It's been wayyyyy toooo long. I haven't been here in a while and it's been saddening for the past month. I'm sick right now so I'm a little light headed but I feel like I should say something because I really need to get back into the habit of doing things for myself and this blog post is a lot more for me than anyone else viewing this. Recently, I have been regressing back into the brain-rot mentality of doom-scrolling, playing the same game over and over again, and just wasting time doing nothing. I want to finally commit and do something before I start feeling old and having wasted my life.

I have not been up to date on many things such as personal projects, a job or anything else that helps me progress my life in any way. I think the reason why is due to my mental state. I have not been doing things that make me happy or even taking action on wondering to myself why I do it to myself. Because It's not the world's fault or anyone else's. I thought that after I dropped out of college I would have this new mentality and that I would change immediately, take charge of my life and start a new chapter. But, that's not how it went because I refused to take action. College can take a toll on anyone, and although college isn't for everyone, I must acknowledge that the idea of dropping out should have been put through a lot more thought and care. I should've laid out what to do on the daily, what my short and long term goals are and a detailed outline on what my projects should be. It's just one thing that would've made me more confident and I can't help to think how much of a dumbass I was for not doing so. I dropped out almost a year ago.

It's not just a confidence issue that's making me this way. Overall I think it's a self-hate issue. Ever since I was a teenager I was fully committed to doing better work at school and I didn't want anyone else bothering me. I had no friends because of a scare I had back in elementary where I was told that I wouldn't be able to graduate due to my grades and it was something I was put under pressure all the time. By the time I was in high school I took it way more seriously and I was an A+ student, but my big mistake was not having anyone to talk to or help me out when I got stuck. Usually when I did I always asked teachers, I never asked a classmate or my family members, it was just school staff for the most part. I pushed myself away and made myself antisocial and I simply thought that I would get better if I wasn't talking to other people. So, I have no friends right now and I have nobody to blame but myself because me having no friends was a decision I made.

But things don't always have to be bleak. As I am typing this I have been creating a schedule for myself on what to do and how to properly focus on them. It may seem like a simple thing I could've done in the beginning but what matters now is that I take action and not dwell on this any longer. It's time to get a life, stop sulking and working on projects that I love and get a job to get that bread. Having a job is not only necessary in a responsibility standpoint, but it also creates discipline. I will not decay at home any longer and have someone pity me and take me in. It's time to move forward.

Thank you for reading this post. It may not be everything I have in my mind but I think it's necessary to keep it shorter than it is to not dwell and start working on something. Be sure to always check where your mind is at and love yourself.